5.

The weather on the East Coast has been dark and rainy, a result of Hurricane Helene. I'm very fortunate that my area didn't suffer anything more than a few wet weeks. My coworkers in North Carolina are okay, too — they don't live in Helene's path, thank goodness.

I haven't been doing so hot recently. I've been sleeping a lot, not eating very much, seeing people less and less. At times like this, when I feel my life is over, it keeps going anyway, propelled by some unseen momentum.

Nothing's really wrong. No hurricane is bearing down on me. Why did those poor people lose their lives in the storm when I got to keep mine? I have no idea. But in the end, I'm thankful that I'm still here, and that my friends and family members are safe from harm.

The other day I was thinking about my little brother, a brilliant and self-possessed young man who's just about to get his degree. Over the summer I went to visit him and his girlfriend in their rented house across the state. They were both so kind to me. Sometimes I worry about what they think of me, the nervous older sister, but that time — maybe it was the sunny, spotless weather — I was open, unselfconscious. I admired the little domestic life the two of them had made together, with their framed photos and their espresso machine. One night my brother made shrimp and zucchini for dinner. They took me around town, showing me the places they eat and study, and gradually I pieced together their lives, lives that had been a mystery to me.

When I'm a guest in the lives of others, I'm okay. It's my own life I struggle to handle.

I want to be able to handle it someday. I have to believe that I'll be able to smooth out the wrinkles, or at least learn to accept them. I miss my brother and hope he'll come visit this month.